Friday, August 15, 2008

A Letter To My Gramma.

Hey Gramma,

I don't know where to start this or where it is going to go. But I already know that I have tears in my eyes just thinking about typing this.

I find myself holding conversations in my head with you. Late at night while everyone is asleep. I find myself telling you about my day and my troubles, I listen real hard to the stillness and light breathing coming from Yum Yum's crib. I feel my pillow slowly filling with the tears that slide from my eyes across and over the bridge of my nose, and drip from my cheekbone.

Not a day has gone by, since you left us that I don't speak your name. I still look for you when I hear the front door open and close softly. I still turn corners, walking into neighborhood stores looking for you. Every time I see someone who resembles you my heart stops beating for a split second and I think could it all have been a dream, are you still here, please let it all have been some cruel joke.

I miss you - no I don't, it's easy to simply miss someone -what I feel isn't easy. I can't breathe properly without you, I can't think at all without you. I can't be without you - but I try. With every step that I take I ask myself will you approve, with every decision I make I think what would you say.

I would give anything except my children to have you back. I have thought about this almost everyday since your passing. What would I give up to have your back. I know what I would give - I would give my eye sight to hear you laugh or crack a joke (even if it is at my expense), I would give my taste buds to see your smile, I would give my sense of touch to smell your scent and I would give my sense of smell to feel you in my arms.

I thought I had more time, I was on a path to show you how well you did in raising me and my son. I was in school and working, I was making moves to take care of you the way you took care of my mother, before she died. You dedicated your life to your children and to your grandchildren. I wanted to show you that although I made many mistakes your words were forever running through my mind.

When you first got sick, I found out I was pregnant. You found me in the room crying, and you told me to get rid of it. I know you just said that because you knew my life was on a steady path upwards, in school full time working full time, saving money living my life with ease. I know you said that to protect me and my son. I know that you always did what ever it took to protect us. You seen in me what I never did.

When you were in the hospital, I had to drag myself to see you. I was so much easier for me to replace the word hospital with Aunt Eileen's house. In my mind I could not grasp the concept of you being sick. You were never sick. You beat breast cancer 40 years ago. You took care of 2 terminally sick children at the same time. You dealt with my mom being diagnosed with Polio and becoming a quadriplegic at the age of 4. You helped her raise me, you were right outside of the delivery room when it took 18 doctors to bring me into this world. You helped my mom raise me for 3 3/4 years before she passed away due to Polio complications. You raised me!

You helped me raise my son when I had him at the tender age of 17. You were my mom and my sons mom when I didn't know how to be.

I always told you - you are not allowed to die you are not allowed to leave me. But you did! You left this void in my world.

When I gave birth to Yum, I was petrified, I was emotionally stunted. I couldn't shake the feeling of not being able to love him as much as you would have. I looked for you during my labor, I looked for you on the street when I took him home. I peeking in all the closets, hoping the game was going to end. Hoping you would just come home!

I know you aren't going to come home, because you are home. How selfish of me to ask you to return to me. You are home, you are home with the two children to lost way back when, you are home with your mom and your dad, you are home with your husband and your long lost brother. You are home where you belong, and now I know that you are waiting for my arrival.

It still pains me that Yum will never truly know you. I know that you are proud of me Gramma. I know that you see how great of a mom I am, I know that you would be talking up the town about my achievements. I also know that you are with me.

This letter has no end because there is no conclusion. I am just going to say I promise you I am going to find away to get rid of the angery boiling in side of me, I prosime you to fight everyday for my boys to be true men. I promise you that I will take care of my little family the way you took care of us. I promise you that I will become everything you ever thought I could be, I promise you I will teach Yum Yum all about you. I also promise you that you will see me when the time comes.

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